Home Page

Site Meter

Under-Cover Space Aliens




How well do you really know your mate?

The old saying about men and women being from different planets isn't always a joke: You may really be married to someone from outer space!

"As many as 5 million aliens are living in the United States after taking on human form," says Dr. James Kune, a physicist and former government UFO expert. "They're evenly split between male and female, and most of them are married though childless.

"My research has determined that the average person has a 50-50 chance of being married to one."

Dr. Kune says he has researched human-alien marriages for the past 10 years and uncovered at least 1,000 cases of aliens passing themselves off as humans -- so convincingly, few spouses have the slightest clue.

"Their motives for coming here remain unclear," he says. "World conquest, the desire to live on a strange planet, overcrowding on their home world -- take your pick. We will know the answer eventually."

Dr. Kune says aliens mate with us for both practical and emotional reasons.

"In the early years of alien visitation, many E.T.s were looking only for cover -- marrying a human man or woman took suspicion off them as outsiders. Eventually they realized that not all humans marry, that they could just as easily pass as 'confirmed bachelors' or 'old maids.' "

But most aliens actually did end up marrying. "For most other species, it's unnatural NOT to pair off with someone. The longer they stayed here, the lonelier and more eager for companionship they became. And so they began developing actual loving relationships with humans.

"One of the most surprising findings in my research is that these alien-human relationships are among Earth's strongest marriages. While the overall divorce rate for U.S. marriages is hovering around 50 percent, almost 90 percent of alien-human marriages last well beyond the so-called 'seven-year itch' that often marks the end of human-to-human marriage.

"I can only theorize that the aliens are working harder to make their relationships succeed, probably to protect their true identities. Or maybe they just like being married -- which," he says with a smile, "really should be our first clue that they're not human."

Getting serious again, Dr. Kune has several signs that point to your spouse being out of this world.

Alien husbands:

  • Love to fix things around the house -- and actually repair what's broken instead of making it worse. "This is obviously a function of their highly developed mechanical and scientific skills," Dr. Kune says. "They usually have every high-tech power tool they can get their hands on, and keep it all compulsively organized."
  • Do not use the TV remote to "surf" at lightning speed through channels, but stop at each program to absorb the information before moving on.
  • Are energized and stimulated by physical contact with their wife. They often initiate long conversations after a lovemaking session, in order to better understand the experience.
  • Will ask for directions when they're lost -- sometimes. "A significant number are just as stubborn about it as human men," Dr. Kune says. "I suspect that a lot of aliens are on this planet only because they couldn't find their way to their planned destination."

Alien wives:

  • Are fascinated by sporting events, especially those on TV. They become very quiet during a game and do not question their husband about it, preferring to focus on the game and tune in telepathically to the coaches and players.
  • Approach housework and meal preparation as research into human labor, which they prefer to conduct on their own. "When their husbands offer to help them with these duties, several alien wives reported feeling hurt and insulted," Dr. Kune says.
  • Work hard at being fit and attractive by getting regular exercise and practicing good nutrition. "I have not found a single instance of an alien wife asking her husband if she looks fat," Dr. Kune says.

Are analytical and logical in arguments with their husband, "although we are beginning to see the early development of the skill of weeping," Dr. Kune says, "as alien women become more assimilated into our civilization."



Here, from government experts, are 10 warning signs that the prostitute you've picked up is a sinister space babe:

1. Looks too good to be true -- If that curvy cutie working the street corner is a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta-Jones, odds are the gorgeous star isn't moonlighting. A shape-shifting ET has probably adopted the form of your dream girl.

2. Out-of-date lingo -- Alien prostitutes try to fit in by using streetwalker slang -- but often use outdated terms. A hooker who sees a police car and whispers, "Cheese it, the fuzz!" likely hails from deep space.

3. Evasive about identity and origins -- Few gals in "the life" are forthcoming about their full names. But a scarlet woman who refuses even to divulge where she comes from -- vaguely describing her birthplace as "the
Midwest" or "overseas" -- could be an ET.

4. Odd, hard-to-place accent. "They have trouble pronouncing the letter 'R,' " Manling reveals.

5. Unusually petite -- The average alien hooker stands roughly 5 feet tall, but may attempt to disguise her size with ridiculously high heels.

6. Sex was "unbelievable." If the encounter was "everything you've always fantasized about," chances are the memory was implanted by ETs.

7. Missing time -- If you paid for an hour with a hooker, but your watch indicates four hours have gone by, this suggests part of your memory of the encounter has been erased.

8. Seems telepathic -- A fallen woman who finishes your sentences or slips up and mentions your real name when you've given her a bogus one, is probably invading your thoughts -- and our planet.

9. Over-perfumed -- Hookers from outer space often try to mask their peculiar ET body odor.

10. Squeamish about spanking -- Terrestrial prostitutes are willing to perform virtually every sexual act if the money is right. But ETs don't like having their butts touched.

If you think you may have been abducted by aliens, or are worried it's only a matter of time before a
powerfully-built green hunk with two willies sucks you out of your knickers, there are ten simple steps you can take to protect yourself  from a fate worse than death

1. Never sleep alone. Single women sleeping on their own are ten times more likely to be abducted than those who sleep with multiple partners.

2. Don't wear synthetic knickers in bed. Aliens are attracted to the electro-magnetic radiations given off by plastic panties.

3. Don't sleep in the nude. This should be obvious. Aliens are notoriously short-sighted and will ignore you if they think you don't have any sexual organs.

4. Don't wash. It has been proven that aliens are extremely fastidious lovers and will not abduct a woman who smells of fish.

5. Don't sleep with your mouth open. Aliens have been known to inseminate young women by inserting a hard, flexible probe into the throats of unsuspecting human females. Contrary to popular belief, Alien cum CAN make you pregnant. The father of the alien child will then have to abduct you in order to retrieve their offspring.

6. Wear sunglasses at all times, especially in bed. Aliens rely on bright lights to intimidate their victims and dark glasses are an effective counter measure. Anti-alien Government agents have long known this. The only drawback is that you may be mistaken for an agent yourself. You may also walk into walls and fall over a lot but that's a small price to pay for protecting yourself from abduction.

7. Eat lots of raw garlic and smoke heavily. Aliens hate bad breath and will not abduct a woman who tastes like an ashtray and smells like a french tart.

8. Get pregnant and stay pregnant. Nothing repels an alien more than a human female with a bun in her oven. The clever ones will think you've already been inseminated by them and the dimmer ones will not want to mess with a girl with two enormous bottoms.

9. Don't wax. Most aliens are pretty dumb. If your bush is luxuriant enough they'll think you've got a dangerous animal in there and leave you alone. If you can manage to grow a moustache and beard as well your chances of being abducted will be reduced to almost zero.

10. Never use an electric vibrator. The high frequency noise will be picked up by any alien within two light years and they will suck you out of your clothes so fast your knickers will melt.