Under-Cover Space Aliens
YOUR SPOUSE COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN
The old saying about men and women being from different planets isn't always a joke: You may really be married to someone from outer space!
"As many as 5 million aliens are living in the
"My research has determined that the average person has a 50-50 chance of being married to one."
Dr. Kune says he has researched human-alien marriages for the past 10 years and uncovered at least 1,000 cases of aliens passing themselves off as humans -- so convincingly, few spouses have the slightest clue.
"Their motives for coming here remain unclear," he says. "World conquest, the desire to live on a strange planet, overcrowding on their home world -- take your pick. We will know the answer eventually."
Dr. Kune says aliens mate with us for both practical and emotional reasons.
"In the early years of alien visitation, many E.T.s were looking only for cover -- marrying a human man or woman took suspicion off them as outsiders. Eventually they realized that not all humans marry, that they could just as easily pass as 'confirmed bachelors' or 'old maids.' "
But most aliens actually did end up marrying. "For most other species, it's unnatural NOT to pair off with someone. The longer they stayed here, the lonelier and more eager for companionship they became. And so they began developing actual loving relationships with humans.
"One of the most surprising findings in my research is that these alien-human relationships are among Earth's strongest marriages. While the overall divorce rate for
"I can only theorize that the aliens are working harder to make their relationships succeed, probably to protect their true identities. Or maybe they just like being married -- which," he says with a smile, "really should be our first clue that they're not human."
Getting serious again, Dr. Kune has several signs that point to your spouse being out of this world.
Are analytical and logical in arguments with their husband, "although we are beginning to see the early development of the skill of weeping," Dr. Kune says, "as alien women become more assimilated into our civilization."
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR PROSTITUTE IS AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL
1. Looks too good to be true -- If that curvy cutie working the street corner is a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta-Jones, odds are the gorgeous star isn't moonlighting. A shape-shifting ET has probably adopted the form of your dream girl.
1. Never sleep alone. Single women sleeping on their own are ten times more likely to be abducted than those who sleep with multiple partners.
2. Don't wear synthetic knickers in bed. Aliens are attracted to the electro-magnetic radiations given off by plastic panties.
3. Don't sleep in the nude. This should be obvious. Aliens are notoriously short-sighted and will ignore you if they think you don't have any sexual organs.
4. Don't wash. It has been proven that aliens are extremely fastidious lovers and will not abduct a woman who smells of fish.
5. Don't sleep with your mouth open. Aliens have been known to inseminate young women by inserting a hard, flexible probe into the throats of unsuspecting human females. Contrary to popular belief, Alien cum CAN make you pregnant. The father of the alien child will then have to abduct you in order to retrieve their offspring.
6. Wear sunglasses at all times, especially in bed. Aliens rely on bright lights to intimidate their victims and dark glasses are an effective counter measure. Anti-alien Government agents have long known this. The only drawback is that you may be mistaken for an agent yourself. You may also walk into walls and fall over a lot but that's a small price to pay for protecting yourself from abduction.
7. Eat lots of raw garlic and smoke heavily. Aliens hate bad breath and will not abduct a woman who tastes like an ashtray and smells like a french tart.
8. Get pregnant and stay pregnant. Nothing repels an alien more than a human female with a bun in her oven. The clever ones will think you've already been inseminated by them and the dimmer ones will not want to mess with a girl with two enormous bottoms.
9. Don't wax. Most aliens are pretty dumb. If your bush is luxuriant enough they'll think you've got a dangerous animal in there and leave you alone. If you can manage to grow a moustache and beard as well your chances of being abducted will be reduced to almost zero.
10. Never use an electric vibrator. The high frequency noise will be picked up by any alien within two light years and they will suck you out of your clothes so fast your knickers will melt.